The War on Valentine’s Day

If you’re like me and already dreading the mere idea of Valentine’s Day (and this dread may or may not have anything to do with your relationship status on Facebook), then it’s best to stop ignoring the inevitable, hunker down, and fight back!  Bill O’Reilly once coined the phrase “war on Christmas.”  Well I’m declaring a war on Valentine’s Day, and in the spirit of modern, American warfare, it’s going to be a preemptive attack.

Thursday, February 11th – 2000 Military Time – Largo at the Coronet:

One of Valentine’s Day’s strongest and most enduring weapons is music.  It could be Bryan Adams, it could be Ryan Adams; either way, there’s nothing more debilitating than hearing that one song on the radio at 2:00 AM, and having to pull over the car to wipe away the tears.  Fortunately, Richard Thompson never plays those kinds of songs.  His eerie and oft-imitated guitar noodling, along with the deep, British hymn-like vocals can definitely be depressing, but depressing in the kind of way that a dark, full glass of Guinness is depressing.  So head down to the Largo this Thursday at 8:00 PM for a special performance from Thompson and his band, order a glass of something thick, and drink in the wounds English-pub-style with one of the true greats of folk-rock music.

Friday, February 12th – 2000 Military Time – Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre:

Earlier this year, actress/comedienne/song-and-dance-woman Charlyne Yi made a romantic quasi-documentary with her ex-boyfriend Michael Cera called Paper Heart.  I hate this film, and for no other reason than it’s the one I took my ex to see on our first date (the Valentine’s Day WMD: Women’s Movie Date).  But 8:00 PM this Friday at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre, Charlyne smashes those bitter memories to the stage with her live show, World of Pain (a Very Masculine Play), co-written by Yi and the hilarious, unknown Allan McLeod.  Choc-full of videos, comedians, and silly music, this Valentine’s weekend installment of her monthly UCB gigs might just be the scissors to Charlyne’s paper…heart.

Saturday, February 13th – 0000 Military Time – New Beverly Cinema:

Did you know Quentin Tarantino owns The New Beverly Cinema?  Explains a lot about their choice of films, and why it may just be the destination for a perfect Valentine’s Day Eve destruction.  They’re showing The Last American Virgin, the 1982 teen sex-comedy that puts American Pie, Knocked Up, and Juno to shame, if only for being more shocking than all three put together, and at least two decades ahead. After the ending of this movie rolls to credits…well, let’s just say ‘mission accomplished.’

Come Sunday, if Valentine’s Day isn’t buried as far into the ground as Saint Valentine himself was on this day back in the year 270 AD, then we may have been defeated once again.  There’s always next year.  That is, unless you meet someone special on one these preemptive outings, and per chance switch sides on the whole matter.  In which case… well, good luck.

For more information on venues, please visit www.largo-la.com, www.ucbtheatre.com, or www.newbevcinema.com.

All photos can be sent as e-cards from this genius website.  Send them to someone special… or not.